... But Nobody Wants To Die
Sometimes you know what you want but you know it's going to be the death of you. Sometime you love somebody that in most ways would drive you around the bend. If you could just have that thing even if it costs you the earth - but are you really willing to go there? Do you want to go there? How deep is that desire?
The weird thing I found out is that we actually run on desire most of our lives until the desire dries out and crumbles. Nietzsche said Desire desiccates into Will. It might if you have a lot of time in front of you at the height of your middle age.
When you get a little older, it doesn't feel that way. Something goes missing in your body or brain, I don't know which. The engine of desire seems to shut off and you stop giving a shit. The thing that drove you for decades suddenly vacates the driver's seat of your mind. You're left with this shell of older yourself wondering how to keep everything going. You're doing something you never thought you wanted to do; or working in a place that gives you nothing but cognitive dissonance. The world changes on you and your mindset can't keep up. You're not conservative but people tell you you're old fashioned.
And you think to yourself, "I am no bleeding cocktail."
Maybe you reply with your best Don Draper impersonation: "really?"
So what do you do about it? You have yourself a nice little mid-life crisis and try and figure out ways to ward off the sense of mortality. Buy a red sports car, dump the wife for a younger blonde. Have a second family. Spend more time at the beach or a casino, or even a casino-by-the-beach if you could find one. At least that's the theory. My version of it is to embrace the cognitive dissonance and write a song about it.
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