Film Script Update

It's Like Talking To Martians

As you may know, I'm working on a story about a North Shore widow who is dating a drug lord over the objections of her grown children. The working title at one point was 'Grandma is F*cking A Drug Lord', but we eventually settled on 'Crashing By Design'.

Last week, we finalised the treatment and lengthy application form and sent it in to the NSWFTO by express post. Within the day of it arriving, I received a phone call querying our collective writing credit. Yes, my writing partner has only written one short film but it's not like she doesn't know how a script works, having worked as an actor for years. Me? well, I told them I *do* have a screen credit for a feature film.
"Oh," the woman who I will not name here (just yet) said. "I'll get MW to give you a call. He's away for a couple of days, but I don't think you can submit a treatment. We'll need a first draft before we accept an application from such an inexperienced pair."
"I'm sorry, inexperienced?"
"Look, MW will call you later this week when he gets back.
"Uh-huh."
Except, he didn't.
The rest of the week went by with nary a peep. Finally, MW called my writing partner's place and left a message yesterday, and I spent the whole day today, trying to call him back. I left messages, I waited, I called again only to find the FTO was closed at that time; probably loafing off having Christmas lunches, I thought. Wouldn't you?

I finally caught him at 16:08. According to MW, I "didn't have enough professional standing".
"I have a feature credit. What's wrong with it?"
"Well, you share it with a number of people."
"So?"
"Well it seems hard for us to judge that you have sufficient experience as a writer. We'll at least need a first draft."
"Insufficient experience? Have you read my CV?"
"Well these are the guidelines."
"I know I'm not David Williamson, but how is anybody ever meant to get in?"
"What do you mean?"
"You only made at best 15 feature films last year. That's the whole Australian Film Industry. How can anybody qualify if they're NOT David Williamson?"
"We did fund a lot more projects in the periphery of those films."
"Yes, but only if they had multiple credits hat were produced. So you only want to fund the people other people funded."
"Well these are the guidelines. I know they're strict but I have to apply them."
"I read your guidelines very carefully. Had I applied for the new writers grant..."
"...That program is under review at the moment."
"Well, look, hypothetically, had I applied for that grant, you would have disqualified me for having had a credit. I read your guidelines very carefully in the interest of not committing fraud."
"These are the guidelines."
"Yes well, I'm asking how does anybody ever get in"
"The thing is, this development frame work only accepts treatments from very experienced writers only. People with at least one or more feature film credit."
"So what's wrong with mine? You accepted TE's submission a few years ago on the strength of the same project that he and I worked on. I don't see what the difference is."
"Well, that was a few years ago. Guidelines and their interpretations change over time."
He sounded uncomfortable. Why wouldn't he, because he knew I was right and he was caught out in a contradictory position. not that that stops a bureaucrat from being obtuse.

MW then went on to say that the guidelines were about to change in 2-3 months and that they would become more *lenient*.
Lenient. Get that? LENIENT Like some judge handing out sentences. Talk about a Freudian slip.
"So what do you recommend I do?"
"That's up to you how you spend the next 2-3months. Wait to submit again or do something else?"
Christ Almighty. Did you get that? If those were the choices, I wouldn't be asking. You wonder why people loathe and detest the FTO, there you have it - the kind of obtuseness that makes you want to run screaming in the streets yelling abuse. I'm amazed that spree killers target Churches and shopping malls and not Film funding bodies.
Anyway, I put the phone down and thought there you have it. After 20 years of toiling in the industry, I don't have enough "professional standing" to even have my treatment read by a bunch of bureaucrats. Then I went screaming abuse through the streets.