The Numbers Game

In Pursuit of Greatness


Barry Bonds has been knocking on the door of Homerun immortality with his number stalled at 754. A-Rod has suddenly lost his magic swing as he too has stalled at 499 Homeruns. Tom Glavine has been sitting on 299 Victories for some weeks now.

Then there is Craig Biggio, who is on 285 Hit-By-Pitches, 2 off from equaling the All-Time record. This is The Onion's take on that situation:

Biggio has not been struck by a pitch since July and has stalled at 285, while Hughie Jennings' awe-inspiring, much-revered record—set during a playing career that spanned the decade from 1893 to 1903—seems to be getting further and further out of reach.

"You guys perpetuated this by comparing me to Hughie day in and day out," said a chain-smoking Biggio, showing reporters from over 50 media outlets the bundles of hate mail he has received from baseball fans. "Listen to these people: 'Quit now before you break the hearts of fans everywhere, Craig.' 'Hey Craig Bitch, I'll kill you and your family if you break the record.' 'Jennings did it without an arm guard.' Do you think they had even heard of this guy before you people had my countdown on the front page every day? Jesus Christ!"

"More than anything, I just want to be hit by three more pitches so all of this will go away," said Biggio, who claims he has not slept in weeks and has developed multiple stomach ulcers. "Now I know why Don Baylor quit at 267."

Though Biggio has refrained from comment on what national media outlets have dubbed "The Chase" for the majority of the season, last night's outburst was more than likely a reaction to a special guest editorial in this week's Sports Illustrated. The Tom Verducci-penned piece stated that, no matter what numbers eventually appeared in the "total hit by pitch" column, Jennings and his "magical" 51 hit-batsman season of 1894 could never be dethroned as baseball's all-time hit-by-pitch king.

It gets funnier and better. Do check it out for a hearty laugh.